She was sitting in a dark room with tears in her eyes for she has just come back home after signing her divorce papers. As she sits down on the chair shattered, she remembers the day when she first met Raj in the college . He was a cool and calm guy and there was always something special about him which she had always liked but never disclosed to anyone. That something which she felt for him was not love for she considered love as a bondage. Seeing her mother being sandwiched between the household work and the boring routine office work and thereby finding no time for herself, no time to think what she wants to do in life and what her ambitions were, she decided never to marry. She always condemned the existing social system, where as marriage meant the end of women’s career and dreams. She was a freedom- loving girl, full of hopes and ambitions for the future. She often used to say, “I want to live to work and not work to live- there is so much to do in life and time is so less, life is so short.” But her dreams were not self-oriented. She could often be found discussing politics with her father, always questioning and debating about different topics of the then existing socio-political and economic situations. She was aware of the Growth of capitalism and the fast declining of socialism on the country leading to the concentration of wealth in the hands of a few. She was aware of the process of privatization of companies and computerization which was going to enhance greatly grave problem of unemployment in the country leading to more social crimes. She was quite vigilant about the growth of economic imperialism in the world – how the American goods are conquering the world market and the subsequent plight of Indian Industries. She knew that all these problems needed an immediate solution and she wanted to dedicate her life to find out solutions. Her inspiration were always the thrilling books of Russian revolution and the tales of the brave Chinese soldiers and their sacrifice which had always encouraged her for self-immolation for the sake of her principles. It was perhaps because of this that she did not want to take up the burden of a family life for she thought that she would not be able to manage both her mission and her family. This girl was so strong and so much committed to her views and outlook and yet there was another aspect of her life which she always wanted to hide from everyone and that was her loneliness. She was so different from others. Her ideas and views never matched with her companions and so she could never speak out her mind to anyone for she knew that it would be of no use, they will not understand her. She often used to get bored up with her friends talking about beautiful dress and cosmetics in which she had no interest. When she wanted to discuss her ideals with her friends, they never could make out what is speaking and ended up with the conclusion that she talks more works less. She had her own world of imagination in which she was all alone. This loneliness often lead her to depression and frustrations. What in fact she really wanted was love, support, inspiration and a true friend and well-wisher. Nobody knew that beneath these eyes that looked so emotionless and cold lies so much tears and pain. The girl who seemed self-sufficient from outside was so empty from within. Nevertheless she considered herself strong, strong enough to reject all her happiness, to deny her most intimate desires of heart, her most favourite dreams and and accept tears and solitude to put into practice the idealism of her life. Perhaps that was the reason why she rejected Raj when he had come to reveal himself to her. She knew that it was not him that she was rejecting but virtually she was rejecting herself of some of her innermost dreams, she was depriving herself of something that she wanted most in this world- love under the shelter of which she could securely unfold all her faults and all her pent up pains. When she came back home, she discovered that she had lost something for ever, something that perhaps she will never attain again. But even then outwardly she maintained her emotionless appearance and none could gauge the depth of her feelings because she was used to it, and used to her solitude, her pains and her tears, she said to herself., “Without love, life may be lonely, without money it may be difficult , but without an ideal, life becomes meaningless;” And by any means she was not going to make her life meaningless in any way. And since time is the best healer, she left her emotions in the hands of the time and tried to compromise with situations. But that compromise was never to be. Perhaps the very proverb on time was not suited to her. Everyday she tried to collect herself, concentrate on her duties, forget what had happened but it was not that easy for her. She was not as strong as she considered herself and not as determined. Her loneliness and frustration grew with each passing day and ultimately she had to give a second thought, “love may not be a bondage or a obstacle in the path of her ideals, it may be an inspiration too”, she said to the reflection of herself in the mirror,” I will take then risk, for I can’t do otherwise”. Hardly had she known those moments of weakness would cost her a lot of future. So this time when Raj approached, she did not stop him. Instead she told him all about herself, her dreams, her weakness, her ethics and principles and her depressions. He heard them all but may be could not understand many. He accepted her with all the ambitions and ideals, he had grown so blind in love. Blind indeed she also had became, and that is why inspite of being so matured, she did not realize at that time that idealism and principles are not build in a day, it needs a great lot of experience, understanding and also reading. Nevertheless, the days spent thereafter were the happiest she could ever recollect. The most wonderful day of her life was of course the date of her wedding with Raj, when the two souls were united ( but not forever). Days after the marriage were happy and peaceful but before long their difference of opinions and thoughts came to the surface. Raj was a family oriented man, quite materialistic in outlook as a family man perhaps should be and wanted his wife to be so. But she was quite different. After her office-work, she spent hours in the trade union office discussing politics with her colleagues and eventually she could not give due time to her husband and family. To the utter disapproval of her husband she used to spent a lot of money for the welfare of the employees unions, their rights and demands. Being engaged with so much activities outside, at home she was found quite indifferent and unmindful. She always used to forget to do one thing or the other and the family life suffered. Clashes increased between the couples and their sweet relationship took a bitter turn. The ultimate blow to their uncontended relation came on the date of their wedding anniversary. Raj waited for her at home right from the sunset but she was so much engrossed in the meeting discussing the problems of the workers that she forgot everything. She came home late at night as usual. Raj was annoyed but as always did not say anything, his silence expressed everything to her. She apologized but it was of no use. The next day when Raj put the divorce papers on her table she burst into tears. She knew that she could not claim anything from him for as a wife she was not able to give any happiness. Although she needed him most , she could not demand or ask. She also could not leave the path in which she was going. Once again she found herself as lonely as she was before meeting Raj. She was shattered. She could only have the enough strength to go to the court and sign the divorce papers. After coming back home as she sat in the dark room all alone, with life, recollecting those good old days, once again a voice seemed to tell her in her ears-
“Without love life may be lonely,
Without money, it may be difficult,
But without an ideal, life is meaningless.”
Life need not be happy but needs to be worthful. The problem of exploitation of the weaker sections of the society, the grievances, plight of the working class was still there. There is still so much to be done and time is so less, so she must stand up. The only regret that remains in her heart is that – she who always loved justice and fought for justice of people, could not be just with her husband, the person whom she cared the most in the world. She considered herself solely responsible for the pain and injustice with her husband and this feeling of guilt will always remain with her. She will always love her as she could not do otherwise and will pray for his happiness and prosperity. Some love perhaps are fated to live only as a poem in the pages of our life-history. But she should not stop, she have to move on. The voice of the proletariat is still calling her and so she must go in response to the unfettered call of love,- love of the life.
Saswati Das . Dated 29.11.2001.
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